AD+adverting--Rough+Draft

=**AD adverting (rough draft) by Ricardo Hedman**= Your peers have given you a lot of good advise. You need to do quite a bit of work to get the paper up to a college level essay. You really need a strong thesis statement that is clearly stated and obvious to the reader. Your essays seems to be about the just limitations of advertising verses the arguments in favour of free speech. What, if any, are the limits for advertising? Bring in alcohol or tobacco ads targeted towards children. Why did the government decide to ban those kinds of ads? Do you agree with that ban? Should there be no bans on any kind of advertising? Should crack dealers and assassins be allowed to advertise? You have an interesting topic here. You need to dig in deeper, take a position, do more research, find experts in the field how agree and disagree with you, present their arguments or why their arguments are wrong and wrap up a conclusion. You have a lot of work to do.1268969833

**[I think you should use a more penetrating sentence to introduce your essay]** Advertisement is a very controversial yet justifiable topic. __In order to have an idea of what advertisement is we should start with its definition__.(rephrase) ( agree, you should have a more captivating opening sentence) (I think you need to improve your starting sentence to something more attractive to the reader) An advertisement is a form of communication intended to persuade an audience to tak e some action. ( quotations and source if definition is STRAIGHT from dictionary ) **[ In order to get a better knowledge of APA, visit http://owl.english.purdue.edu]** Knowing what it is we can tell that it can be able to influence us in many ways, but especially in two ways in a good and a bad way **.[ You can do a better job explaining which and how are they good and bad] (word choice; less words; also which are the good and bad ways?) ** Another arguing point is that advertisement has an exceeding limit into where it advertises and this can be a problem for children. **[ You can explain why is it a problem to children]** Advertisement is a way of life we have learned to live with in our daily basis. ( As of now, your introduction is vague, you should consider expanding ideas.) (I'm not sure what's the thesis statement.) (which is yout thesis statement? Do you support advertisement or not? Make your position clear and you need to work on better intro..it's too vague. )

__There are certain benefits in advertising for our lives. Freedom of speech is one of the rights that most people have around the world.__ (the two sentences are irrelevant to each other) (not sure if sentence two preceeds sentence one in context) Advertisements are used to express ways of how people feel. “Yo quiero Taco Bell” (Taco Bell, 1997). This was an ad by Taco Bell that meant (said?) “I want Taco Bell” and it shows us how through these little sayings people do define what they really want. With ads you can also experience different feelings or at least it gives you the idea of how you should feel toward the product or the idea that’s being advertised. **[ explain which feelings]** Coca Cola had an ad that said “Open happiness” (Coca Cola, 2009), and its ads included people with smiles on their faces and how it showed that it felt good to open a Coca Cola. ( good use of examples) (agree, but make sure you have a purpose for including these examples. As of now, the examples are just "floating there") (I like the examples because they are easy to relate and very good quoting things.) (i don't think these example support your argument, or maybe explain them more as why they show freedom of expression)

Sometimes advertisement can get out of hand (awk), __in means of it exceeds the limits__.( not necessary and awkward phrasing ) There are techniques in advertising that make a person want that person consume the product or service, an example would be “Do you Yahoo?” (Yahoo), which makes people want to use Yahoo since it’s a way of looking at your emails, sending emails, etc. This happens exclusively with beauty products like cosmetics which ensure that people will look beautiful. Most of the time advertisements are about the context, something that is catchy that will make you eventually buy it (specify ). There was an advertisement by the beer (company?) Budweiser in which it included the phrase “wassup” and it’s a small catchy phrase that reminded you about the beer. Having a (omit a) good wording (wc) and a way of transmitting what you are offering are techniques that help advertisements promote what they want. (I like the way you paraphrased this but have to change the word.) Through this way it’s easier for people to know about products and services that they might need.( nice example, good use of examples, good wording) **[ Good examples try not to leave unexplained like "these techniques" try to always explain]** There are certain products that enter in debate for whether they should be advertised or whether they shouldn’t. There are certain advertisements that we might need but it’s dangerous to advertise, this would be the case of guns. People want to be safe and __they__ __(can omit this word)__ buy guns for this purpose. This is a very risky advertising since people that aren’t capable of using them or children might get knowledge of these products. Industries that manufacture these types of products do have to have a way of selling these things to people. People have the right to know that there are different alcoholic drinks available. There are products that you know people need but you have to be careful for how you transmit it to the audience. (use more quotes to support your statements: more reliability) (expand ideas) (need more proof, like quotes to support your argument)

__There is this__ (Could say: The... instead of the underlined segment) economist called John Kenneth Galbraith that argues that advertising is morally wrong because it enables corporations to artificially create the desire to possess the goods or services it offers for sale (Flaherty, 2003). (awk, rephrase) There (He, omit There) is also said that advertisement for children is wrong and shouldn’t be done. Not all the products should be advertised. People are lied to and lie all the time and either way it is used to manipulate people. Children also have the right to learn about things in the world but there should be certain precaution for this matter. You don’t want to promote sex but either way you can promote it through making it safety. The advertising of condoms even though it justifies people to do it they might do it the safe way.

Thanks to advertisement we are able to learn about products and services that are need for life to go in a nice and easy way. (Mention some details how we can learn through an advertisement to make it more credible.) Though we can sometimes over charge ourselves for wanting things that we know we can’t have, there are always ads that make you have a good time and a good feeling. Limits are made to be broken and a good example would be advertising, it is very difficult to contain advertising to a small audience. (expand your conclusion...make sure you take it to the "next level") ( longer conclusion)

Very good essay, i like the information in it, it is simple and easy to understand. However, you need more information, it needs to be longer and you need to support your statements. You need to begin with a more catchy introducting, defining important key terms and showing reliability and a strong position and why. with dedication and effort, you will have a great essay! 1268695880SHEILA SIERRA

(General Comments (Introduction) I feel lke the introduction should be made more clear. I feel like it is very short and it's hard to percieve the essay's central thesis. The writer should further expand his ideas Body: Not to be redundant, but most claims need expansion. ALso, the arguments are not very clear. It was hard for me to identify the arguments in favor and the arguments against. Conclusion: Again, further expansion is needed. This essay needs significant amount of work. However, the main components are present. Good luc with editing. 1268759023

The introduction needs a more catchy starting sentence to attract the readers attention and needs work since it is very vague and the thesis statement is not clear. Also, be sure to state your position in the introduction so the reader can know what you are going to talk about. In the body, you need to make your arguments clear and use more credible examples and quotations to help the reader see the proof to your arguments. I liked that the examples are easy to identify with, but you need to correct the grammar mistakes and sentence structure. Good essay, just needs corrections. :) Well done. - Janelle Andonie

I think that this is a very appealing essay because we can all easily relate to this topic. I liked all the examples mentioned because they are easily related to everyone's life, such as the Coca Cola advertisement. For some paragraphs, you need more credible examples or sources. The few mistakes I found were of sentence fragments that should be worded differently or some word choices. Overall, I enjoyed reading this essay and I like the way you interpreted the topic. By: Eun Young Jeon

Reference:

Crash (2007) "Top 80 Advertising Slogans/Catch Phrases" retrieved March 12, 2010 from []

Flaherty, P.(2003) "Philosophy: Questions & Theories" Toronto, Ontario: McGraw-Hill Ryerson Limited.

The Coca-Cola Company (2009) "Open Happiness Press Release" retrieved March 12, 2010 from []Type in the content of your page here.

= Peer Reviews =

(General Comments (Introduction) I feel lke the introduction should be made more clear. I feel like it is very short and it's hard to percieve the essay's central thesis. The writer should further expand his ideas Body: Not to be redundant, but most claims need expansion. ALso, the arguments are not very clear. It was hard for me to identify the arguments in favor and the arguments against. Conclusion: Again, further expansion is needed. This essay needs significant amount of work. However, the main components are present. Good luc with editing. 1268759023

Very good essay, i like the information in it, it is simple and easy to understand. However, you need more information, it needs to be longer and you need to support your statements. 1268695880SHEILA SIERRA

**Comments By: Victor Garcia 1268781454

Overall the essay has good foundlings. I think the essay is interesting and when polished and edited the reader is not going to have any problem liking it. The major issues with the essay are in relation with the lack of explanation in some of the statements. We have to remember that in order to guarantee credibility we have to avoid the " things" explanation when we can explain what those things are. Assuring these the reader will have no doubt on the ethos of the essay.The topic is really interesting and with the correction of some ideas and grammatical mistakes this can make an outstanding and convincing essay. Way to go Ricardo, you can make it shine in the Final Draft.**

=AD adverting (rough draft) by Ricardo Hedman=

Advertisement is a very controversial yet justifiable topic. ** In order to have an idea of what advertisement is we should start with its definition. DONT SAY WHAT TOY'RE GOING TO SAY, JUST SAY IT, IT ONLY WORK FOR SPEECHES. ** An advertisement is a form of communication intended to persuade an audience to take some action. ** Knowing what it is we can tell that it can be able to influence us in many ways, but especially in two ways in a good and a bad way. ** **STATE THE WAYS HOW ADVERTISEMENT AFFECTS US IN MANY WAYS.** Another arguing point is that advertisement has an exceeding limit into where it advertises and this can be a problem for children. **Advertisement is a way of life we have learned to live with in our daily basis. HOW COME? BACK IT UP WITH SOME RESEARCH. **

There are certain benefits in advertising for our lives. Freedom of speech is one of the rights that most people have around the world. Advertisements are used to express ways of how people feel. “Yo quiero Taco Bell” (Taco Bell, 1997). This was an ad by Taco Bell that meant “I want Taco Bell” and it shows us how through these **little sayings ( WORD CHOICE) ** people do define what they really want. With ads you can also experience different feelings or at least it gives you the idea of how you should feel toward the product or the idea that’s being advertised. Coca Cola had an ad that said “Open happiness” (Coca Cola, 2009), and its ads included people with smiles on their faces and how it showed that it felt good to open a Coca Cola. **MENTION ALSO HOW OPEN HAPPINESS IS NOT ONLY BY THEIR SMILES BUT ALSO THE ENVIRONMENT PLAYS A VERY IMPORTANT ROLE IN HOW IT INFLUENCES US.**


 * Sometimes advertisement can get out of hand, in means of it exceeds the limits**. ** SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY, EITHER USE A COLLOQUIAL LANGUAGE OR NOT. **There are techniques in advertising that makes a person want to consume a specific product or service, an example would be “Do you Yahoo?” (Yahoo), which makes people want to use Yahoo since it’s a way of looking at your emails, sending emails, ** etc. DONT USE ETC, USE "AND MORE" OR SIMPLY END YOUR SENTENCE AFTER "SENDING EMAILS." ** This happens exclusively with beauty products like cosmetics which **ensure s ** that people will look beautiful. Most of the time advertisements are about the context, something ** (WORD CHOICE) ** that is catchy that will make you eventually buy it. There was an advertisement by the **Budweiser COMPANY** in which it included the phrase “wassup” and it’s a **SHORT** catchy phrase that reminded you about the beer. **Having APPROPRIATE AND JUVENILE wording HELPS TRANSMIT what A COMPANY IS TRYING TO OFFER; THESE ARE SOME OF MANY techniques that help advertisements promote what they want.** Through this way it’s easier for people to know about products and services that they might need.

There are certain products that enter in debate for whether they should be advertised or whether they
 * SHOULD NOT,(WHEN WRITING A FORMAL ESSAY DO NOT ABBREVIATE OR USE CONTRACTIONS). **There are certain advertisements that we might need but **it is** dangerous to advertise, this would be the case of guns. People want to be safe and they buy guns for this purpose. This is **very risky (WORD CHOICE)** advertising since people that **ARE NOT** capable of using them or children might get knowledge of these products. Industries that manufacture these types of products do have to have a way of selling these things to **THE POPULATION.** People have the right to know that there are different alcoholic drinks available. There are products that **ARE DESIRED BY THE POPULATION, YET ADVERTISING AGENCIES MUST** be careful **OF** how you transmit it to the audience.


 * John Kenneth Galbraith, A 21ST CENTURY ECONOMIST** argues that advertising is morally wrong because it enables corporations to artificially create the desire to possess the goods or services it offers for sale (Flaherty, 2003). There is also said that advertisement for children is wrong and shouldn’t be done. Not all the products should be advertised. People are lied to and lie all the time and either way it is used to manipulate people. Children also have the right to learn about things in the world but there should be certain precaution for this matter. You **do NOT** want to promote sex **YET THERE ARE STRATEGIES IN WHICH CAN BE** promote it through making it safety. The advertising of condoms even though it justifies people to do it they might do it the safe way.

Thanks to advertisement we are able to learn about products and services that are need for life to go in a nice and easy way. Though we can sometimes over charge ourselves for wanting things that we know we can’t have, there are always ads that make you have a good time and a good feeling. Limits are made to be broken and a good example would be advertising, it is very difficult to contain advertising to a small audience.


 * TRY TO MAKE A BETTER CONCLUSION, RESTATING YOUR THESIS USING INFORMATION FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES THAT GIVES THE READER ENOUGH INFORMATION TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVEY. **

Reference:

Crash (2007) "Top 80 Advertising Slogans/Catch Phrases" retrieved March 12, 2010 from []

Flaherty, P.(2003) "Philosophy: Questions & Theories" Toronto, Ontario: McGraw-Hill Ryerson Limited.

The Coca-Cola Company (2009) "Open Happiness Press Release" retrieved March 12, 2010 from []

this does not seem to be a very well, formal thesis statement, it is very hard to find the position in which you stand. Try to be more eloquent when writing, using enough detailed information and evidence to give it ethos. - [|marianad92] Today 5:40 pm   **
 * YOUR ESSAY IS GOOD, YET IT LACKS RESEARCH AND ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR A READER TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW. I LIKE IT YET YOU HAD MANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS. YOUR THESIS SHOULD BE BETTER STATED "Advertisement is a way of life we have learned to live with in our daily basis."

=__ Strengths __ : Nice topic, good examples. I like how you have put in plenty of examples. =

=__ Weakness __ : I am not sure what your thesis is exactly. You may want to try to make it stand out to prevent confusion in your readers. = =__ Areas to Improve __ : The introduction is a little vague. There are several choppy sentences throughout your essay that affect the fluidity of your writing. As a whole, you need to expand your ideas. There are also a few awkward worded sentences, which I have addressed directly on a hard copy of you rough draft. I can see your essay has a good start and has the potential to be an excellent one, all you need is to expand on your arguments and make them stand out, so they can impress the reader. Your counterarguments as, well, must stand out somehow to convince the reader of your point of view. 1268798817 =